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u/ThisDadsJoke

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Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home!
Australia's "Today Show" Would Be America's "Tomorrow Show".
An alien's most used key on the keyboard is the space bar.
If you put root beer in a square cup, it turns into beer.
What did the ocean say to the boat? Nothing. It just waved at him.
Don't buy too many art supplies. You could have an excess stencil crisis.
What's The Proper Way To Spell This Word?
BREAKING NEWS: scientists have discovered what might be the world's largest bedsheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If a neutron commits a crime, can it be charged? (read it in Steven Wright's voice.)
Here's The Net Prophet. (Get it?)
This Truck Drive Is Watching A Trailer.
I just accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye. Aside from burning, there is only one noticeable side effect. My Heinzsight is now 20/20.
I love my dogs....both boxers. I named them Calvin & Klein.
What do you call people who use the "pull out' method for birth control? Parents.
I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using newspapers. The Times are rough for me.
I don't know why Rated X movies have different titles. They all should have the same title: "Shit that never happens to me."
The Ottoman Empire Lasted Over 600 Years. But today an ottoman is something you put under your feet.
Lance is an uncommon name today....but in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
My Biggest Fear About Becoming A Zombie.......
Knock Knock. Poor Bob.
You're not going to get an STD from the the toilet seat unless you sit on the guy before he gets up.
What month comes after June? Be honest. Don't july to me.
My dad joke about Peter Pan never gets old....
Why did my dog poop in my shoe? Because he heard me say I wanted a foot stool.
Can February March? No, but April May.